EAST BAY INSOMNIAC

Does a 5-minute commercial break exist without an advert for sleeping pills? I’m not trying to be existential. I’m serious. Everyone is hailing the Rozerem campaign as groundbreaking, what with its talking beaver and suspected marfanoid former president. Edgy! But can it put me to sleep? (Not the commericals, the pills.)

Quoth the website:

WHAT MAKES ROZEREM DIFFERENT?
Rozerem is the first and only prescription sleep aid that is not a controlled substance, aka habit-forming.

HOW “IT’S THOUGHT TO WORK”?
Rozerem targets the body’s normal sleep-wake cycle. The sleep-wake cycle is regulated by your body’s master clock, which is located in a very specific part of the brain. By targeting the normal sleep-wake cycle, Rozerem helps the sleepiness that you’ve built up throughout the day take over when you’re ready to go to bed. Because of all this, it doesn’t make you lose memory, lack balance or feel hungover upon waking.

SO DOES IT WORK?
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The guy on the cover of the StressEraser^TM owner’s manual greets me with a smile that says he’s become impenetrable to harsh fluorescent lights and restrictive button-down collars. Looking like a stock art version of George Clooney, he cocks his head and readies his finger for a session with the StressEraser^TM. “Hey, I’ve put my finger in worse places,” he thinks, and then chuckles out loud with the stress-free ease his stock art colleagues have come to know and envy.

I’d been kicking around the idea of purchasing one of Helicor’s award-winning biofeedback devices, the StressEraser^TM, for several months, but I couldn’t quite wrap my mind around the $299 pricetag. Ultimately, it was the 30-day money back guarantee that swayed me.

The website advertised: Feel Good Again in 30 Days…Guaranteed.

And Helicor’s many affiliates concurred: 

• With the StressEraser^TM you can rapidly calm your mind and relax your body.
• Handheld medical device calms the mind and relaxes the body anytime, anywhere.
• The Stress Eraser Is An Amazing Mini Bio-Feedback Machine.

I thought: if it’s crap, I’ll send it back. If it’s worth it, it will pay for itself.

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